I’ve never been someone to run from a situation when it gets hard. It was the only thing that I knew in a relationship of any sort – family, friends, guys: if you trust someone, you will get through it together. Through thick and through thin, right?
I never thought I would have ever fallen for a guy like you. Although I have denied this for so long, my friends throughout all years of my life have always pointed out that I had a specific ‘type’. Very tall, athletic (preferably a swimmer), brunette dark shaggy hair, nice eyes, built but not too built, would be how my high school best friend would describe it. But you? You were different.
Our one date. I didn’t even know it was a date. We were I guess you could say friends at this point, purely platonic. We had previously talked about people we were interested in, with each other. I knew about the past girls you had liked. You knew about the guys I had had a thing for. You knew I was looking for love, I knew you were looking for love. We both had discussed our previous love life a month ago. You were interested in a girl who was not interested in pursuing anything relationship-wise. I was interested…well you didn’t know this, but I was interested in an older guy with (you guessed it!) brown hair and big blue eyes – a nickname a good friend of mine even referred him to as.
And then one day you insisted that I hangout with you that Friday night to cook, bake and watch movies. I agreed. You texted later that week to finalize plans. I voiced my excitement over text and told you I was ecstatic about this fun-filled night. Still platonic, right?
Flash-forward to that Friday night. I had a bad headache but popped an Advil because I hate cancelling on others the day of. We went to the grocery store to pick up cooking ingredients before heading to your place. While cooking, occasionally you would place your hand on the small of my back and I pretended not to notice. It was purely platonic…right? While eating our meal, you sat closely next to me, thigh touching thigh. I pretended not to notice, and I’m surprised that I didn’t move my legs. Still platonic?
We explore your hobbies displayed all over your apartment: on your bookshelves, on your desk, on your window sills. I realize how much I didn’t know about you and how truly interested I am in getting to know you and your quirks better. How did I not know about these things sooner? We could’ve had endless conversations and nerded out about plants and Western Blots. I realized how much I appreciated this moment in time.
We attempt to find something to watch on Netflix. Want to find a picky movie/TV watcher? That’s me! It took me by surprise that you were so patient about what we watched, while I fumbled through all the possible shows. Midway through a movie, we switched because I didn’t understand the jokes. You didn’t get fed-up. Still…platonic?
You start leaning on me. We start cuddling. You tell me you like me. I realize that this night is a date. But it takes two to cuddle and I have not pushed you off. We kiss after the movie. Definitely not platonic. My mind at this moment is racing so fast because I don’t know what has happened. You apologize for kissing me too early, and not taking it slow. I don’t know how to respond, but I just know that I want to say the right thing. Minutes of awkward silence later, I finally am able to compile my thoughts and let you know that I want to take it slow and get to know you better. I tell you that I wasn’t looking for a first year relationship and all that stuff. You rebuttal and say that first year is almost over. I forget to thank you and accept your apology.
I take the next few days to really think about what had happened and what I really want. I had never seen you as someone more than a friend, until that night. It could have been so much easier if you had any blaring flaws. You’re patient, accepting, smart, have amazing hobbies, not too clingy and will thus lead an individual productive life, very nice, well-spoken, and in general, well-liked. I attempt to give myself reasons not to like you – to not give you a chance. I probably ended up falling for you too hard within those days, because there were no flaws that I could really point out. It was unfortunate because I liked another guy before you came along, but the more I thought about you, the more I realized how much better you would be for me, long-term. My feelings for that other guy quickly dissipated.
Fast-forward to two days before our next date. We spontaneously hung-out briefly in the evening and talked about sweaters. You had bought a new sweater and really liked it. You noted that when you’re in a relationship with someone, they always steal your sweaters. You told me not to steal this new one. Oh boy, he’s funny too. I tried not to chuckle, but ended up snarking a comment “You know I’d steal it just to annoy you”.
You had a meeting that night. You didn’t tell me what happened, but a friend noted to me a week later that a conversation came up about regrets. You spoke about how you regret wanting to move things too fast, and that you didn’t want friends with benefits. You like feeling things. Others’ comments included that first year relationships are stupid, university relationships are stupid, people don’t enter relationships because they are scared of commitment.
Two days later – the date we set for our next date. You sit down with me and start with “So I’ve been thinking”. Shit. This is not okay. What did I do now? You tell me that it’s not me, it’s you. Typical. You talk about how you don’t know if you want to enter a first-year relationship, how you don’t want to do long-distance over the 4 months of summer. You talk about how you like me as a person and my personality. You talk about how you’ve been asked for friends with benefits from multiple people this year and that it’s not something that you want. I’m very confused. You talk about how university might not be the right time to date. I ask when would be. You say after school, maybe 10 years down the line.
I call you that night to clarify things for myself and to ask if it was anything that I did or if there was anything that I could do. Again, not someone to back down when things turn awry. You say that there are reasons that you can’t discuss with me and that long distance sucks and that you like me as a person and that feelings change and that you thought you were ready for a relationship last week, but you don’t feel the same this week and that you’ll be busy next year and that you thought I was looking to blame myself and give myself another reason for whatever happened or why those feelings changed, but that there was no other reason. It just didn’t and still doesn’t add up in my head. You say you thought about it for a week. It has only been two days since the mood shifted between us, I thought in my head. I really didn’t know what was going on.
I’ve never been hung-up on any guy. I’ve always moved on easily. I’ve also never fallen for anyone this quick. It has always taken me a while to really like a person. What was different about you was that you were real and you were everything different about every other guy that I’ve been in a relationship with or liked. For once, I felt like I chose the nice guy – the ‘right’ guy, yet it still didn’t work out. There was something about you, after one night, that made me linger for days. There was something different about you. Some reason that I cared so much about you to have to go home that weekend and reflect on the situation. Some reason that I have decided to write this lengthy blogpost. Perhaps I’m just frustrated about how confused I am. Perhaps I just truly am trying to fix something that wasn’t mine to be fixed. Perhaps I’m disappointed that our friendship will never be like it used to. I am still confused and a little sad about what has happened. I don’t know what it is, but you are definitely special.
Thank you for whatever we had, and I hope that you find whatever you’re looking for or resolve whatever still needs to be resolved for you. I’ll be here if you ever need to talk.