“most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
where you’re sitting
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”
I recently got obsessed with the book Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. I have never resonated with so many pages of a bound set of sheets. Reflection at it’s greatest.
I’m personally at fault for getting caught up with what will not matter in the end. Does that make me hypocritical? Probably. I obsess about my grades, what shampoo I’m going to buy at the Shoppers across the street, how high my desk lamp is when I’m studying, how dry my hair should be before leaving residence to class so I can look somewhat presentable in the morning, and all the other little things. The things that don’t even matter. I remind myself daily to concentrate on building ‘human connection’; I remind myself to focus on the bigger picture. It’s just so hard to find Waldo sometimes when there are so many other cool characters on a page that keep distracting you from your task.
Even when I give an attempt in being more sociable or finding love, there are just so many obstacles. As a university student, I’m sure many people are able to relate to the harsh reality that the workload builds up really fast if you don’t stay on top of your classes. Do I give up time that could be spent studying and getting a better grade, for more enjoyable events? If I end up not studying for the subject that week, should I not stress about it because it won’t matter hopefully in the long run?
When you’re looking at a day to day schedule as packed as mine, and you are three weeks behind in two courses, have to schedule in another group meeting for that day, and a friend calls and asks you to be there for him because of a personal situation that just happened, what do you accommodate first? When your schedule is already always packed from 8:30AM-12:00AM daily, can you really fit anything else in? I am definitely very appreciative of a select few of my friends who are extremely understanding of my busy schedule. But really, how do you prioritize your time when almost everything seems like it is demanding attention? On this particular Friday, I remember not having the time to write a club application, pushing back watching the two physics modules from three weeks ago (in addition to one more module that was not scheduled in yet – T4M1), and asking my friends to continuously push back the Jam Session that we had scheduled for later that night. I clearly recall constantly reminding myself that people come first, that day – that school could come second or third or fourth or fifth – and that I needed to be there for my friend when he was in need. But after that day, when I pushed everything back, I got swamped and still am swamped with not only my coursework, which I have not touched since writing midterms other than mandatory project meetings and the associated work, but also was swamped in the research I was performing. The quality of my work definitely has decreased as more things have piled up.
But human connection still comes first right? So when should I start worrying about school? When do I say no to comforting another individual? Is it ever acceptable to say no when someone evidently trusts you and has turned to you for help during a low in their life?
It’s frustrating when you’ve put in so much effort and time into a person, and they don’t invest the same amount of time in you when you’re in need. It’s frustrating when you’ve invested so much time into a potential future with a significant other, and it doesn’t work out in the end. It really does feel like wasted time. Maybe I’m being selfish, but time is not something that is just floats around for me. I schedule things into a calendar weeks in advance so that I know exactly when I have commitments and how many other things I can schedule in for that day.
It’s also extremely frustrating when people can’t figure out concrete plans when I schedule things a few days in advance. For example, a friend and I planned to study in a cute cafe the following week and when scheduling:
I totally understand where people are coming from, and by no means does this make him a bad friend (I totally love your company, if you’re reading this!!), but it’s frustrating because my schedule fills up extremely fast and so I have to note concrete times and places ahead of time.
I guess I also wanted to touch on relationships with a significant other. Let’s face it: most relationships don’t last a lifetime. If you spend 3 years with a person, and then break up, was there a point to the relationship? I’ve always never been the one for a short-term relationship. I’ve always had the mentality that If I choose to get in another relationship, it might as well be for the long-term because I just don’t think I have the time to spare for someone who will not end up being in my life forever. It’s just a struggle within itself because I’m never really okay with starting something new with someone for the fear that I’ll be wasting time when it doesn’t work out in the end.
“nothing even matters
except love and human connection”
So I disagree with this quote, because if who you thought was the love of your life ends up exiting out of your life, then you’ve lost whatever you could’ve been spending your time doing instead of nurturing the relationship that never lasted.
Because I am not sure how to measure the opportunity cost of doing certain things rather than others.
Because people flake.
Because people are not always there for you.
Because I don’t want to regret having chosen a human being over something more concrete and reliable – my grades, research, and personal development.
P.S. Dilly if you’re reading this, shoutout to you for always being so understanding and supportive, being there whenever I need to talk, tolerating my busy schedule by staying on campus to wait for me to hangout even though I push them hours back sometimes. You are truly a gold star. You are the friend I’ve always wished I had (and finally do have), and I’m sorry if I’ve ever been a disappointment. You have never flaked on me and you’re literally so real. Thank you for being you.