I tell myself that they’re just feelings and that they don’t really mean anything. I tell myself that it’s just infatuation and that it’s not love. It’s just infatuation, right? Yes, it is, or so that’s what I want to believe.
I admire this individual for the way they speak. The unsuccessful effort they’ve taken to make the people around them better. The good person they seem to want to be. But he’s definitely not reputable in any means. He’s known to be very arrogant at times, and is disliked by many. Beneath that mask of steel, though, I can see a glimmer of silver lining inside, that seems to embody hope. It’s like he’s been hurt so many times before, that he’s afraid to open up again. His eyes will stare blankly at you when you talk to him, but it’s like you can feel the sadness seeping through his body. He seems empty, helpless and lost, but it sucks because I know I can’t do anything.
I want to understand, though. I want to understand his pain and learn about what he’s been through. I want to understand why he is the way he is. Although I’ll never admit it in person, I also want to confront the people that have pushed him down along the way. The people that ultimately created the mask of steel that he now places as a barrier between him and the people currently in his life. I’m hopelessly curious.
On the contrary, A relationship with him would just never work. It would be looked down on in so many ways. There would be too many barriers to overcome. Society would judge us with glaring eyes. It is society that sets these limitations. The two major limitations that don’t allow for a relationship between him and me are just two great. But then again, it doesn’t matter what society believes, right? For all one knows, these two barriers might be because of how I perceive them. So perhaps it’s not society, but rather how I discern my morals. My boundaries for a relationship might be based on what society regards as acceptable, but they will always be based on how I distinguish between right and wrong. What is right and what is wrong? Is there a fine line between a good relationship and a bad relationship based on morals? Is a relationship with me and him acceptable then?
Do I love him though? Perhaps if it’s true love, then all boundaries can be put aside. Imagining a future with him is definitely a possibility, but because of all the impediments, it is far from likely. Knowing this, I still have an unreasonable desire to satisfy the lust I feel. Am I the pink elephant sitting on the fence, hoping to fall on one side or the other? Will this feeling eventually fly away as time passes?
Perhaps it is infatuation and a little bit of curiosity. Perhaps I feel like I can patch him up like a teddy bear, and ride the emotional roller coaster with him. I want to believe that I’ll be there with him every step of the way through our relationship.
At the end of the day, I’m just left staring outside waiting for the impossible.