Through the Fogged Window

I tell myself that they’re just feelings and that they don’t really mean anything. I tell myself that it’s just infatuation and that it’s not love. It’s just infatuation, right? Yes, it is, or so that’s what I want to believe.

I admire this individual for the way they speak. The unsuccessful effort they’ve taken to make the people around them better. The good person they seem to want to be. But he’s definitely not reputable in any means. He’s known to be very arrogant at times, and is disliked by many. Beneath that mask of steel, though, I can see a glimmer of silver lining inside, that seems to embody hope. It’s like he’s been hurt so many times before, that he’s afraid to open up again. His eyes will stare blankly at you when you talk to him, but it’s like you can feel the sadness seeping through his body. He seems empty, helpless and lost, but it sucks because I know I can’t do anything.

I want to understand, though. I want to understand his pain and learn about what he’s been through. I want to understand why he is the way he is. Although I’ll never admit it in person, I also want to confront the people that have pushed him down along the way. The people that ultimately created the mask of steel that he now places as a barrier between him and the people currently in his life. I’m hopelessly curious.

On the contrary, A relationship with him would just never work. It would be looked down on in so many ways. There would be too many barriers to overcome. Society would judge us with glaring eyes. It is society that sets these limitations. The two major limitations that don’t allow for a relationship between him and me are just two great. But then again, it doesn’t matter what society believes, right? For all one knows, these two barriers might be because of how I perceive them. So perhaps it’s not society, but rather how I discern my morals. My boundaries for a relationship might be based on what society regards as acceptable, but they will always be based on how I distinguish between right and wrong. What is right and what is wrong? Is there a fine line between a good relationship and a bad relationship based on morals? Is a relationship with me and him acceptable then?

Do I love him though? Perhaps if it’s true love, then all boundaries can be put aside. Imagining a future with him is definitely a possibility, but because of all the impediments, it is far from likely. Knowing this, I still have an unreasonable desire to satisfy the lust I feel. Am I the pink elephant sitting on the fence, hoping to fall on one side or the other? Will this feeling eventually fly away as time passes?

Perhaps it is infatuation and a little bit of curiosity. Perhaps I feel like I can patch him up like a teddy bear, and ride the emotional roller coaster with him. I want to believe that I’ll be there with him every step of the way through our relationship.

At the end of the day, I’m just left staring outside waiting for the impossible.

They Who Act Like Lions

They don’t understand me. They don’t understand how I feel or how I want to express myself. They are self-righteous and think the world of themselves. They leave me feeling trapped in time, making me feel smaller and smaller every second. They’ll never agree to my point of view. They just don’t understand.

They want to feel full of pride. They want to be right. They don’t want to lose. They form a pack against me, aiming for my head, waiting until I surrender. They yell insults at me and raise their voices above mine – regarding my every move as a fault. They know my weaknesses too, and use them like knives, stabbing me in the back when I fall down.

I want to cry a river of emotions, yet I can’t show them weakness. From experience, I know that weakness only results in even more hurtful remarks. I attack back – a natural instinct of mine. My voice is so weak, compared to theirs, which reminds me of a lion’s roar.

I now feel lost. They now feel powerful. They know that they win every time, so they continue to rip me into shreds. They know that I’ll eventually fall onto my knees and drown in tears. They know that I’ll hit rock bottom, in the ocean down below.

They know I’ll swim back to them, as I’ll have no where else to go.

Until the cycle begins again.

And I know it will.

Because it always does.

They ask me why I don’t trust them sometimes. Why I rely on others. I tell them that others understand me and don’t treat me like a deer waiting to become a lion’s dinner.

Self-interest

People are so insensitive and egocentric sometimes. You wish that they could see through your eyes; wish that they could understand your point of view. In reality, they don’t give a damn about how you feel. We’re all human – selfish human beings that only thrive to make ourselves better. You might not admit it, but deep down inside, you know that that’s the truth. We care about others to an extent. Past that extent, we live in our own world.

Not to say that people don’t actually care about their loved ones, but rather that we all have people in our lives that we couldn’t really care less about. Those people that we don’t acknowledge in our everyday routines. Those people that we were once friends with. Those people that we ignore if we’re having a bad day and don’t want to hold a conversation. Those are the people who might be hurting the most, yet we pass them as if we don’t care. What if they’re fighting a harder battle? Would we care then? What makes humans care? What makes us act upon self-interest?

Sometimes

Sometimes I expect so much from others. In retrospect, others also expect a vast amount from me. Sometimes I feel like I never meet the expectations of everyone around me; family, friends, even coworkers. Sometimes these expectations are met, but with every ability comes an incompetence. Sometimes I feel like I’ve achieved, only to realize that my achievement doesn’t actually matter and that the happiness I feel will only be temporary. Sometimes I reach high points in my life and start to actually believe that I’m going somewhere in life.

But then I realize that I’m a nobody. The world will keep turning with or without me. Sometimes expectations will never become reality, because my expectations don’t matter in the bigger picture.