Ideal Relationships

Right person, wrong time.

This phrase I could never really understand, up until these few weeks.

If you like someone enough, shouldn’t that be a reason to be with them? How can timing influence something so much that you’re willing to give up what you like? I just didn’t understand.

This summer I told myself not to get involved with guys. I wanted to focus on myself, the relationships I had with friends and family, and develop a stronger curriculum vitae. My mind kept telling me that it wasn’t a good idea to get involved with a guy. I told myself no guys. Why did a guy happen then, Casey?

Flashback a month and a half ago, I started talking again with a guy who I had met in a club. No, not one of those clubs with alcohol – I mean just like a typical extracurricular club that we both decided to join during our undergrad. Before this, our relationship was purely professional. He was/still is two years older than me, and the conversation topics we had were pretty simple: school, club confirmations, and the occasional “help me with my research please”. I thought he was kind of cute when I first met him, but I never cared to start anything with him and just did not have the time or energy to approach him during the academic year – plus it would lead to awkward conversations about school….and what would I even have to say to him?

We saw each other one day while I was in summer school, and we walked and talked for a bit. Typical ‘I don’t want to end this awkwardly but this is really awkward’ kind of conversations happened, at least that’s what it felt like on my end. I didn’t think much of it. Still thought he was sort of attractive, sort of my ‘type’. He initiated conversation by ‘poking me’ on Facebook a week later. My friend said he was flirting. I didn’t think so. We started talking, coincidentally saw each other during lunch, ate together. He messaged me to meet when I was free, uh oh. I remember not knowing whether this was just a friendly hangout, or a date (re: my confusion from a previous guy). I told myself it was a date that day, dressed presentable, went out with him.

Long story short, I probably had the best first date I had ever been on. We went to a board game café (last minute change of plans), a fun taco restaurant, a walk, and an unexpected movie at his place. Definitely not the most romantic places that I’ve been taken on, but it wasn’t the places we went that made it so amazing, it was my date (him). I didn’t have to constantly search for conversations, I didn’t have to try to think of something to say. We didn’t have to agree on everything. The conversations were fluid, we connected. I remember thinking “Wow. This guy is actually really great.”

Flashforward to a few dates later, we were hitting road bumps. Things were starting to get serious and I was starting to really like him (as I’m hoping he was, me). We started having serious conversations about the future. He is leaving for medical school in a little less than two months. We were and are still worried.

Consequences of this:

  1. Will not be living in the same city (1 hour away)
  2. He will be starting an intense schooling process, and does not want to go into medical school with a relationship because he does not know about how the workload will be, environment etc.
  3. He is worried we will only be able to see each other once a month (which is not enough in both of our eyes)

He brought these points up to me early on in our ‘serious talks’. I countered him with

  1. 1 hour isn’t even considered long distance
  2. I told him I understood this point, and that I would be willing to continue what we had up until his schooling starts, and give him around two months after to figure himself out (sort of like a hold off period), and rekindle things after.
  3. I go home relatively often (almost every weekend), which allows us to spend more time together.

Throughout this process, his friends have been pushing for him to end things with me. They tell him that even committed relationships that have been going on for years in medical school, end in the first few months when someone goes to med. Whenever he decides to end it in his mind, we meet up and he can’t put himself to doing it. I like him too much right now to end things with him, instead. I’ve gone on so many dates with guys this year, yet I always end up not sticking it through after a max of 2 dates because I just don’t end up connecting with them. He is honestly one of the only guys I have truly wanted to care about. He tells me that I make things hard. He likes me too much to end things when we meet up.

“I don’t know wtf I’m doing.” 8 words I’ve come to despise (especially coming out of his mouth, yet he says this so often now).

I’ve questioned myself on why I like him: he is definitely my type, the way he doesn’t know how to smile in photos and gives this really awkward lip up smile thing, the way my head perfectly lies on his chest when we stand together and I can hear his heartbeat, HIS SMELL (>>>???? I DON’T KNOW WHY HE SMELLS THIS GOOD!! HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE), the way he looks at me in silence, his blue (i think they’re kind of green) eyes, HIS WITTY WITTY TEXTS that often make me laugh and make my bad days good, the way he cuddles with me, how safe he makes me feel when we’re together, how big his hands are when they’re interlaced with mine, when he bearhugs me and wraps his legs around mine, the way he bends to kiss me because he’s way too tall, the way he wraps his arms around me, how brilliant he is and how he doesn’t even know of it, when I call him up last minute because I get lonely and he always makes time for me, how you can tell through his actions and words that he actually really cares about me, his patience, his really big arms (although I always make fun of how ‘tiny’ they are) and how my fingers can’t fully surround them, the way my clothes and bed sheets smell after he lies on them for a few hours, our little movie dates (even the movies end up being pretty bad), his way of building things from nothing ft. home movie theatre printer set up (he should be an engineer), how much he cares for his aunt (it’s actually really cute), when he calls me cute, his white detectable shoes that he literally wears everywhere, how his feet are almost double the size of mine, how he’s actually really really really shy on the inside (TIS SO CUTE) but does not give off that vibe in social situations AHHHH

Caption that I was going to post on Instagram with a picture (but decided not to), created one day after a dinner date where we made pasta and he chopped up the brocolli and said that “it looks like gnomes live in here” and made me die laughing, and then proceeded to dance with me in the kitchen, while waiting for the pasta to cook:

You held my hand and spontaneously decided to dance with me. In that moment, I knew I couldn’t let you go.

F this. yeah I think I really like him. What do I do?

Right person, wrong time.

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What is actually important?

 

“most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you’re sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”

I recently got obsessed with the book Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. I have never resonated with so many pages of a bound set of sheets. Reflection at it’s greatest.

I’m personally at fault for getting caught up with what will not matter in the end. Does that make me hypocritical? Probably. I obsess about my grades, what shampoo I’m going to buy at the Shoppers across the street, how high my desk lamp is when I’m studying, how dry my hair should be before leaving residence to class so I can look somewhat presentable in the morning, and all the other little things. The things that don’t even matter. I remind myself daily to concentrate on building ‘human connection’; I remind myself to focus on the bigger picture. It’s just so hard to find Waldo sometimes when there are so many other cool characters on a page that keep distracting you from your task.

Even when I give an attempt in being more sociable or finding love, there are just so many obstacles. As a university student, I’m sure many people are able to relate to the harsh reality that the workload builds up really fast if you don’t stay on top of your classes. Do I give up time that could be spent studying and getting a better grade, for more enjoyable events? If I end up not studying for the subject that week, should I not stress about it because it won’t matter hopefully in the long run?

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When you’re looking at a day to day schedule as packed as mine, and you are three weeks behind in two courses, have to schedule in another group meeting for that day, and a friend calls and asks you to be there for him because of a personal situation that just happened, what do you accommodate first? When your schedule is already always packed from 8:30AM-12:00AM daily, can you really fit anything else in? I am definitely very appreciative of a select few of my friends who are extremely understanding of my busy schedule. But really, how do you prioritize your time when almost everything seems like it is demanding attention? On this particular Friday, I remember not having the time to write a club application, pushing back watching the two physics modules from three weeks ago (in addition to one more module that was not scheduled in yet – T4M1), and asking my friends to continuously push back the Jam Session that we had scheduled for later that night. I clearly recall constantly reminding myself that people come first, that day – that school could come second or third or fourth or fifth – and that I needed to be there for my friend when he was in need. But after that day, when I pushed everything back, I got swamped and still am swamped with not only my coursework, which I have not touched since writing midterms other than mandatory project meetings and the associated work, but also was swamped in the research I was performing. The quality of my work definitely has decreased as more things have piled up.

But human connection still comes first right? So when should I start worrying about school? When do I say no to comforting another individual? Is it ever acceptable to say no when someone evidently trusts you and has turned to you for help during a low in their life?

It’s frustrating when you’ve put in so much effort and time into a person, and they don’t invest the same amount of time in you when you’re in need. It’s frustrating when you’ve invested so much time into a potential future with a significant other, and it doesn’t work out in the end. It really does feel like wasted time. Maybe I’m being selfish, but time is not something that is just floats around for me. I schedule things into a calendar weeks in advance so that I know exactly when I have commitments and how many other things I can schedule in for that day.

It’s also extremely frustrating when people can’t figure out concrete plans when I schedule things a few days in advance. For example, a friend and I planned to study in a cute cafe the following week and when scheduling:

Screen Shot 2017-04-02 at 10.12.32 PM

I totally understand where people are coming from, and by no means does this make him a bad friend (I totally love your company, if you’re reading this!!), but it’s frustrating because my schedule fills up extremely fast and so I have to note concrete times and places ahead of time.

I guess I also wanted to touch on relationships with a significant other. Let’s face it: most relationships don’t last a lifetime. If you spend 3 years with a person, and then break up, was there a point to the relationship? I’ve always never been the one for a short-term relationship. I’ve always had the mentality that If I choose to get in another relationship, it might as well be for the long-term because I just don’t think I have the time to spare for someone who will not end up being in my life forever. It’s just a struggle within itself because I’m never really okay with starting something new with someone for the fear that I’ll be wasting time when it doesn’t work out in the end.

“nothing even matters
except love and human connection”

So I disagree with this quote, because if who you thought was the love of your life ends up exiting out of your life, then you’ve lost whatever you could’ve been spending your time doing instead of nurturing the relationship that never lasted.

Because I am not sure how to measure the opportunity cost of doing certain things rather than others.

Because people flake.

Because people are not always there for you.

Because I don’t want to regret having chosen a human being over something more concrete and reliable – my grades, research, and personal development.

 

P.S. Dilly if you’re reading this, shoutout to you for always being so understanding and supportive, being there whenever I need to talk, tolerating my busy schedule by staying on campus to wait for me to hangout even though I push them hours back sometimes. You are truly a gold star. You are the friend I’ve always wished I had (and finally do have), and I’m sorry if I’ve ever been a disappointment. You have never flaked on me and you’re literally so real. Thank you for being you.

Your eyes.

Your eyes. Don’t even get me started. I could stare forever in those hazel eyes of yours. When we look into each others’ eyes, I feel like everything bad happening in my life has sizzled away. Your eyes wash away my fears, my pessimism, my self-doubt. You make me feel on top of the world. You make me feel like everything is okay.

Your smile. Not just your typical big smile, but your half-smile. The grin you display in the selfies you send to me. The smile that displays the two dimples nestled perfectly on your cheeks. The one where you can see your smile lines aligned right around your mouth, almost touching those dimples. The one that is worth a thousand stars.

Your heartbeat. The heartbeat that pounces so fiercely, yet is so calming. When I huddle into your chest, all I can hear are those soft, yet powerful flutters. How could a heart like yours, so perfect and beautiful sounding, have ever have been dysfunctional. I could listen to it all day.

Your hands. Those big hands that engulf my small little ones when they interlace. The ones that sit perfectly with mine after they somehow dance to each other after those playful tickle fights of ours. The ones that hold mine and make me feel stronger, and more connected. The ones that make me feel safe.

And for a moment every time when we’re alone I think to myself ‘can this be it‘. But then all the excitement and hopefulness washes away and I’m sitting back at square one, somehow knowing that we can never be.

They Who Act Like Lions

They don’t understand me. They don’t understand how I feel or how I want to express myself. They are self-righteous and think the world of themselves. They leave me feeling trapped in time, making me feel smaller and smaller every second. They’ll never agree to my point of view. They just don’t understand.

They want to feel full of pride. They want to be right. They don’t want to lose. They form a pack against me, aiming for my head, waiting until I surrender. They yell insults at me and raise their voices above mine – regarding my every move as a fault. They know my weaknesses too, and use them like knives, stabbing me in the back when I fall down.

I want to cry a river of emotions, yet I can’t show them weakness. From experience, I know that weakness only results in even more hurtful remarks. I attack back – a natural instinct of mine. My voice is so weak, compared to theirs, which reminds me of a lion’s roar.

I now feel lost. They now feel powerful. They know that they win every time, so they continue to rip me into shreds. They know that I’ll eventually fall onto my knees and drown in tears. They know that I’ll hit rock bottom, in the ocean down below.

They know I’ll swim back to them, as I’ll have no where else to go.

Until the cycle begins again.

And I know it will.

Because it always does.

They ask me why I don’t trust them sometimes. Why I rely on others. I tell them that others understand me and don’t treat me like a deer waiting to become a lion’s dinner.

Sometimes

Sometimes I expect so much from others. In retrospect, others also expect a vast amount from me. Sometimes I feel like I never meet the expectations of everyone around me; family, friends, even coworkers. Sometimes these expectations are met, but with every ability comes an incompetence. Sometimes I feel like I’ve achieved, only to realize that my achievement doesn’t actually matter and that the happiness I feel will only be temporary. Sometimes I reach high points in my life and start to actually believe that I’m going somewhere in life.

But then I realize that I’m a nobody. The world will keep turning with or without me. Sometimes expectations will never become reality, because my expectations don’t matter in the bigger picture.